


On the verge of eternal, on the heels of divine

by 4callumiwould



Category: EastEnders
Genre: Boys In Love, Don't Examine This Too Closely, Falling In Love, First Time Blow Jobs, Hand Jobs, I Can't Believe I Wrote This, M/M, Mutual Pining, Pining, Smut, Swearing, Undressing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-01
Updated: 2020-10-01
Packaged: 2021-03-08 03:55:35
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,736
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26729272
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/4callumiwould/pseuds/4callumiwould
Summary: An excruciating summer of longing culminates in all Ben has ever wanted...Callum alone in his bedroom...Or, what might have happened a year ago tonight... 🤔
Relationships: Callum "Halfway" Highway/Ben Mitchell
Comments: 18
Kudos: 48





	On the verge of eternal, on the heels of divine

**Author's Note:**

> Hello! I’ve been lurking on here for months reading everyone else’s amazing fics and feeling a bit guilty about not bringing anything to the party...so here it is...my first EVER attempt at writing ANYTHING (please be nice! I don’t think I’m very good at it!🙈)
> 
> I hope I’m wrong, but as EE seem determined to keep us in the Ballum cycle of misery for a little while longer, I’m guessing they’ll ignore their 1st anniversary in favour of some more angst (or mention it but turn it to shit). So....I thought I’d celebrate it for them with a little nostalgic look back at what may have happened a year ago tonight!
> 
> It’s nothing that hasn’t been done before, and much better (especially the smut, sorry about that) but hey, gotta start somewhere! Hope it’s ok.
> 
> Title is a lyric from the killers song “When the dreams run dry” cos I love em, and for some reason their music always makes me think of Ben and Callum.
> 
> Thanks for reading!

Ben has lost count of the number of cold showers he's had to take since that night in June. That chilly night when just the touch of Callum's skin against his own dragged the cold from his bones and replaced it with a burning white heat that has never left him since. 

Most of the time it glowed gently in the pit of his stomach and in his heart. He could push it down, live his life, pretend it wasn't gnawing at his insides like a caged animal, but whenever he caught a glimpse of Callum in the square in the days and weeks that followed, it ignited like a bushfire, burning out of control. It was worse when he was with Whitney. The PDAs, the false smiles, the ache in Ben's chest. Those times the fire threatened to engulf him.

He could kick himself, he really could. What a twat. He'd left the park that night with a spark of hope he thought he'd never feel again. Yes Callum had been drinking, yes he was lonely and confused, but he'd made the first move hadn't he, he'd wanted Ben as much as he wanted him, hadn't he? His words replay in his head on loop. “When I sleep with someone it has to mean something.” It HAS to mean something. 

If he'd been honest with himself though he knew enough of the torment of being in the closet to know that Callum wouldn't just fall into his arms. No, that only happened at night...most nights actually... when thoughts of the soft lips and warm wandering hands he craved so much lulled him to sleep, only to morph into cold sheets and aching need come morning. Self service and cold showers. This can't be his life now. Still, the denials that followed cut to the bone. And the proposal. The fucking proposal. God that hurt.

Best to stay clear. Fight down the gnawing feeling in his guts when Whitney touches HIM. Avoid contact. Seek solace in nameless bodies (and what of it if suddenly they all seem to be tall with sticky out ears and dimples....coincidence). None of them come close. Fuck, he's been ruined by a messy hand job in a public park. Didn't see that one coming.

Tell him he's not worth the hassle while body and brain scream at him to shout kiss me, touch me like you did before, nothing feels the same since you. And yet there he is, always around every corner, pure sunshine pulling Ben's cold moon into his orbit with unseen, undeniable force. Suddenly he's coming to Peckham, Ben's offering him lifts to pick up his fucking wedding rings (sadist), agreeing to join the stag party. So much for that plan.

Why can't he just forget those eyes? The dimples when he smiles, the thickness of his thighs (oh God, his thighs). Its nothing he cant find in a perfect stranger if he takes the time to actually look, is it? A stranger, who wont elicit this dangerous feeling of losing control, no, worse than that, of wanting to lose control, that Ben's spent years avoiding at all costs. He's starting to think it's not the eyes though, or the dimples. Its the eyes AND the dimples, AND the blush on his cheeks, AND the thighs, the cute ears, the way he smells, the height of him, the cadence of his voice, the way he laughs with his whole body, the entire glorious package that makes his body tremble and every coherent thought melt from his brain. ..STOP!

Then from nowhere the spark of hope that refused to die flickers to a glowing ember. Whitney knows. HE told her. This is progress. He wont marry her. He wants me. Get a grip, Ben. The wedding is torture. His best efforts to derail it seemingly a failure. Neanderthal Keanu's a welcome distraction from the bottle, until he isn't. The cuckoo in the nest who has everything he craves and the gall to say he could have it too if he just let himself. Fuck off. He's not hearing that, not from him. Somehow though his words cut deeper than the throbbing bruises he leaves in his wake, but he'd never let him see that. Efforts to replay the conversation in his head come to nothing. Was it him or Keanu who said people like you dont deserve love. Does it matter?

The spark flickers again, and threatens to ignite, only to fade in the morphine induced haze of the weeks that follow. So close, SO close, and yet Callum has never seemed further away. Ben doesn't do patience. Ben goes out, sets his sights on what he wants and takes it home to his bed, but that's no longer an option. Hasn’t been for a while. Patience and hope the only options. He's struggled his whole life with both. He wont survive this.

Then its there, it's back in his grasp. But isn't it just too fucking scary when everything you've ever wanted is there for the taking? Callum wants this, he does, but Ben cant have it. Can't let himself, so he'll fuck it up. And if by fucking it up he loses the one person he's felt a connection with in years, and probably fucks him up too, then that's just collateral damage...isn't it? Better to scupper himself than wait for the inevitable killer blow. He doubts he could come back if Callum was the one to deliver it.

Connection. An innocuous word. But when Callum's lips meet his again, infront of the pub, infront of everyone, when he says he wants this...no buts (shame), then there it is again. He feels it, and it's different to anything he's ever known. The fire's back, spreading up his spine, down to his toes, heat and flame burning him up, and if Callum's smile is anything to go by he thinks he feels it too. He may not deserve this, he may be incapable of keeping it, but he needs it, and he's going to try and earn it. Some things are just undeniable. 

~~~~~~~~~~

[1/10/19- 10.26pm]

Can I see you? Dont wanna wait anymore...cant if I'm honest. C x

[1/10/19- 10.28pm]

Come Over B x

~~~~~~~~~~

All summer. Every hour, every minute of a long hot summer that stretched into a warm autumn. All summer spent waiting, yearning, aching for this moment, and now finally, finally it was here. 

Locked in Ben's bedroom, the house quiet and still around them, nothing but the gentle hum of traffic outside the open window to mingle with the sound of their heavy breaths. They cant hear it. To them there is only silence, and each other.

Callum stands in front of him, face flushed, eyes wide like a rabbit in the headlights. But the tiny smile that dances at the corner of his lips reassures Ben that his nerves are losing the battle with his desire. He wants this as much as Ben. He feels the same ache in his chest. The same primal need to touch and hold all that has been hidden and denied for too long. 

But its Ben who has pulled away, broken them out of their frenzied kiss, and is staring breathlessly into Callum's dark eyes. 

"Wanna take this slow" he whispers. "Been waiting so long for this, wanna savour every second"

Callum nods slowly in agreement, placing a gentle kiss to Ben's cheek. "So long." he breathes against his ear. "There were times I thought we'd never get here at all. Keep expecting someone to walk in and tell me it's all a dream, that I cant have you." 

"They'd have to get past me first" Ben chuckles shyly, reaching up to take the first button of Callum's shirt between his fingers. "Can I?" his voice a plea in the thick silence. Callum nods. 

Ben's fingers work slowly, his eyes fixed on each button as he works his way down, breathing heavy. It's too much to look directly at Callum, he's too much. That night in the park he had reached inside Callum's shirt, touching, stroking the soft skin he found there, but urgency and the cover of darkness had hidden the treasures underneath. If asked to describe Callum's body he couldn't. It was just a feeling of gentle muscles and firm flesh that had lived in his fingertips and in his dreams ever since, but it's never been enough. He needs to know it intimately. Burn its image into his brain. How it looks, and how it feels under his touch, under his lips. 

Callum lets out a shaky breath, closing his eyes as Ben slides his shirt over his shoulders, letting it fall to the floor. His eyes spring open again as he feels two fingers tracing up the planes of his body, making him shiver under the touch. Ben smiles and takes his time, tracing soft lines with his index fingers from Callum's belly button up over his lightly toned stomach to his firm, hairless chest, circling his nipples before tracing back down. "Beautiful" Ben sighs, fixing Callum with an intense gaze that makes him look down at the floor, blushing. Ben lifts his chin to draw him back. "Hey, dont be embarrassed. I'm just being honest. You're gorgeous, you must know that." 

"I dunno. No-ones ever said that to me before" Callum blushes again, and Ben looks up at him sadly and swallows hard before settling his fingers on his belt buckle. "Is this ok?" he checks. Ben suddenly feels exposed and vulnerable. If no-one has told this heavenly man he is beautiful, chances are he's never been undressed like this before. Chances are no-one has ever wanted him as much as this. As much as Ben wants him. Ben is suddenly hit with a pressure catching in his lungs, the pressure of getting this right. The thought of scaring Callum away before they've even started is too much to bear. 

Callum hesitates, but nods again and Ben gets to work with shaky hands, undoing his belt and button and slowly tugging down the zip of his jeans. The sound seems to echo loudly in the silent room and Callum swallows hard. 

Ben wonders why he's shaking when undressing men in his bedroom is second nature, but of course if he stops to think about it he knows why. This isn't about getting off. This isn't about teasing until he gets what he wants and then walking away. This man in front of him is no faceless stranger. This is Callum, his Callum. A name that has danced on his lips for months, a face that has inhabited his dreams, a body and presence that has seemed to lurk in his peripheral vision since that day in the pub in April. He urges himself to get a grip. One of them needs to stay calm and at least look like they're in control.

Ben stills as he feels Callum's hands come to rest over his own, either side of his hips. His breathing is heavier now and when Ben looks up he sees the wide eyes have returned and he is biting on his bottom lip. "Its ok. Just your jeans for now, nothing more til you're comfortable, I promise." Callum removes his hands and Ben searches his eyes for reassurance before tugging them gently over his hips, letting them fall so Callum can kick them off. 

Ben runs his eyes up and down Callum's body, swallowing down the urge to speak, but he snaps out of it when a large hand gently cups his cheek. "Your turn."

Callum steps forward a little, feeling exposed, standing as he does before Ben in nothing but his boxers. He is eager to get Ben in a similar state, partly for solidarity, but if he's honest because it is all he's thought about for longer than he cares to remember. He too has had to learn to exist on the memory of the briefest of touches on a chilly June night. He's woken so many times since that night with the feeling of his fingertips running through the soft hair on Ben's chest, reaching around to press into the small of his back, grazing over his nipples and exploring the delicate skin of his belly. His body aches with the need to renew that memory, and see for himself what his mind has so feverishly pictured for him. 

Ben locks eyes with Callum while he works awkwardly at his shirt buttons. He desperately wants to lean forward and kiss him to ease the tension of the moment. This isn't what happens to Ben. He doesn't stand in silence in a room thick with unspoken desire while men undress him. It's usually frantic and fast and devoid of all intimacy while he races to reach his high and kick them out so he can sleep alone. But he knows he needs to let Callum have this. And he wants it too. He wants to be wanted and treasured like he hasn't been in so long. He doesn't deserve it, but he needs it.

Ben's shirt is off now, joining Callum's on the floor, and Callum is staring. He rests his forehead against Ben's and breathes out slowly, before reaching out a shaky hand and running it gently over Ben's chest and down his stomach, a small moan escaping from his lips. Relief and desperate want bubbles to the surface. Ben cant hold back any longer now and he tilts his head to press their lips together in a searing kiss. It quickly deepens, and soon hands are roaming over skin as they pull and press their bodies together, desperately exploring every inch of exposed skin so long hidden. Finally, Callum breaks the kiss. "I'm not done with you yet" he whispers, glancing down at Ben's waist and toying with the buckle on his belt. Ben grins and steps back, an open invitation to carry on.

Moments later, Ben's jeans have joined Callum's on the floor, and they stand together, fingers intertwined, eyes roaming, chests heaving, until Callum blinks first. Suddenly, there are two fingers dipping below the waistband of Ben's boxers and his hands are moving to help Callum pull them down and kick them away. Ben stands up and looks to gauge Callum's expression. He's never been shy about his body. He knows he's not the most toned or muscled of guys, but he keeps in shape and he's never had any complaints, but suddenly he's out on a limb and Callum's good opinion is all he craves. He's had a peek at what he's up against and he's nervous. He needn't be.

Callum is staring at his half hard cock, eyes wide, biting down on his bottom lip. "Fuck" is all he manages to splutter out. "You're....Ben, you're..." WHAT? But the hungry look in his eyes tells Ben he likes what he sees, and that's good enough. Ben struggles with compliments when they matter, he doesn't need to hear one now. 

He reaches out and cups Callum's face, planting a kiss on his lips to shh him before tracing his finger slowly down his body, coming to rest on his waistband. "You ready?" 

"Yeah....yeah, I am"

Ben kneels down, grazing his fingers lightly over the bulge in Callum's boxers before tucking his thumbs in and sliding them down. He's not entirely surprised with the sight that greets him. He's held Callum in the dark, felt his weight, guessed at his length, but here now, it still takes his breath away. He lets out a shaky breath, resting his forehead on Callum's stomach to steady himself. "Fuck Cal, you're a big boy." And maybe he's said something wrong as Callum suddenly tenses, drawing his hand across his face. Shit.

"Sorry.....Is it.....is it too...Whit once said..?"

Whatever SHE said, Ben cant stand to hear it, to think of HIM with HER.

"Wait, wait are you seriously apologising for....No Callum!...Its wonderful. You're wonderful. Come here"

Ben is up now, pressing his lips to Callum's, pulling their bodies together. He's not having this. Not gonna let this man doubt himself any longer. He needs to know how perfect he is. Hands are suddenly everywhere, and Callum is backing him towards the bed where they fall clumsily, lips and tongues still joined. Callum is on top of him, pressing his weight down, and the touch of his skin, the warmth of his body, Ben feels like he can finally breathe. He shifts beneath him until they connect, bodies slotting together like the perfect puzzle, his aching cock sliding against Callum's in delicious maddening friction. He can't hold back the moans and whimpers that fall from his lips, and he doesn't want to. He hears them mirrored in his ear and knows that Callum cant either. This is heaven.

Callum's body is on fire. Sensations he didn't think he'd ever feel dance on his skin, prickle in his veins and make his head swim. Ben is beneath him, finally beneath him, touching and claiming him everywhere, and it feels so right, so so right. But he cant reach him. His hands itch to touch every inch of skin, but he is hidden to him beneath the press of his body and the hold of the mattress. This won't do.

Ben squeals as strong hands circle his waist and his head spins as Callum flips him over. "Wanna touch you, wanna see you" he whispers breathlessly. Ben sits up, straddling his hips so Callum can take him in, and let his fingers roam. "Look at you" Callum sighs. "So beautiful. So strong. I've thought so much about how you'd look, how you'd feel, imagined it so many times." 

Ben can only wilt under his touch, long fingers bumping down his spine, circling his hips, then down lower over his arse, dipping between his cheeks. The sensation is almost too much, overwhelming, and he leans down to take back control, shifting his weight, kissing and licking gently down Callum's chest, over his soft stomach, parting his thighs to settle between them. They are thick and firm and his cock twitches with the thought of them wrapped around him, squeezing.

He kisses the delicate skin there and smooths over the soft hairs with his thumb as Callum moans and writhes beneath him. He bites down on his lip in a vain attempt to quell the desperate urge to take Callum in his mouth right there and then. He has to be patient, but Ben's not good with patience when everything he wants is laid out in front of him. He needs to know.

He drags himself back up, settling over Callum's body and kissing gently along his jawline, edging closer to his lips.

"You need to tell me what you want Cal" he whispers, running his tongue over his bottom lip, nipping at it gently. "There is a whole list of things I would happily do to you right now, but most of them you'd be nowhere near ready for. I need you to tell me what you're comfortable with." Callum moans softly and closes his eyes for a beat before opening them and fixing Ben with his gaze. "I want you to suck me." He's been thinking about this hasn't he. Knows what he wants.

Ben finds himself breathing out hard, sucks in another lung full like it'll keep him from drowning, and smiles down at Callum. "Okay...that's good. I want that too" he replies. His voice comes out shaky and drenched with desire and squeakier than he'd like. He cant wait any longer, and feels his body drifting itself downwards, placing soft kisses to Callum's bare chest as he goes. And Callum lifts his knees, spreads his legs wide, opens up his body for him just like that, like he cant bear to wait another second either. "Tell me what you like... licking?... sucking?....both?"

Callum turns his head into the pillow and Ben senses his body go tense again beneath him. He looks up. "Er...I dunno. Whitney never....I mean no-ones ever...."

Fuck. There it goes again. The breath forced out of his lungs, only this time he nearly chokes on it. He wants to ask exactly what Whitney did do for him, but really it's the last thing he wants to know. His cock twitches again with excitement, pooling precum onto the sheets below him as he looks up to offer a silent prayer to the gods who have brought this man to his bed. How did he get this lucky. He knew Callum was inexperienced but God, the thought of getting to teach him these things, of being his first in more ways than he could have imagined makes him shudder. Get a grip Ben. Your supposed to be the cocky one here.  
"Okay" he replies, trying to keep his voice level. "I'll go slow and you tell me if there's anything you don't like, okay? It'll be good, I promise."

Suddenly he's nervous. He could do this in his sleep couldn't he? Get men to the point of orgasm with just his lips and his tongue. Hold them in his power until they're begging. He's Ben Mitchell, it's what he does. But now he is fucking nervous. He wraps his hand around the base of Callum's cock and gently licks over the head before running his tongue up and down his length. His senses seem heightened, listening out for any sign of discomfort from Callum, but he hears only soft moans and grunts that make his heart flutter and his lips curl into a smile. He carries on. Gentle kisses and kitten licks to the tip, longer licks and sucks to the sides, swirling his tongue and pressing it flat until he feels large hands around his head, long fingers curling into his hair. "Is this ok? Do you like this? Want me to stop?"

Callum pulls himself up on his elbows to look down at him, the sight of Ben between his legs making his eyes darken and shine. "Oh God no.. feels incredible...please dont stop."

"Oh I've barely even started...and as long as you're ok I ain't stopping for anything" Ben purrs still placing gentle kisses to the tip of Callum's cock. "Been thinking about this for too long...how you'd feel in my mouth...the noises you'd make." Ben grins up at Callum before dipping down to wrap his lips around the head of his cock, dipping his tongue in the slit before sliding his mouth down to meet his hand. The noise that Callum makes is almost feral, reverberating in the silence. "Oh, fuck Ben, fuck...that's amazing" he yells and Ben pulls off. "Yeah? You want me to do it again?" he smirks. "Yeah...yeah please!" 

Ben's enjoying this now, all nerves gone the moment he felt the heaviness of Callum in his mouth, and tasted that smooth velvety skin he's been dreaming of for months. It's better than he could have imagined, better even than his lust addled brain had conjured up in all those nights spent alone, wanting. "Mmm....you taste so good" he whines around Callum, the vibrations making him call out and writhe beneath him.

Callum is still watching him intently, but his head keeps throwing back and the way his muscles are tensing tells Ben he's close to the edge. The hand is back in his hair, tugging gently. "Sorry Ben, not gonna last" he whispers blushing, and Ben pulls off again. "Dont apologise, you've been amazing. Do you wanna come in my mouth...or...?"  
"Yeah, God yeah...if that's ok?"  
"Fuck Cal, that's more than ok" Ben chuckles before sinking his lips back down Callum's length and swirling his tongue over the tip. It takes just a few more dips of Ben's head, a few more flicks of his tongue and Callum is screaming his name, his body convulsing as he comes hard down Ben's throat. Ben takes it all, licking his lips when he's sure Callum is looking before moving back up to press his body against his and join their lips. 

"Feels good dont it" he whispers, nudging the tip of Callum's nose with his own, urging him to open his eyes.

"Feels fucking amazing. Is it normal that I cant see straight?" 

Ben eyes widen and he coughs out a laugh. "Ha! Must have done a better job than I thought! Bit out of practice. You'll be right in a minute." His hands drift to Callum's sides, smoothing up and down to sooth him, and Ben finds strong arms encircling his body and pulling him down in response.

"Incredible. .you were incredible....come 'ere"

They still for a few moments, enjoying the warmth of skin on skin and hot breaths panted onto exposed necks, until Ben shifts slightly to connect them and Callum feels his hard cock against his own. Ben doesn't want to push him too far too fast, but he's painfully hard and aching and when Callum tentatively rolls his hips the relief is palpable. He responds with a dip of his own and soon they are rubbing against each other hard and frantic and kissing with desperate urgency. Callum rolls them onto their sides, and Ben whines at the brief loss of heat until Callum grabs his arse with a strong hand and pulls them back together.

"What do you want?" Callum growls. "I dont think I can...with my mouth....not yet...I..." but Ben holds a finger to his lips to shh him.

"Dont matter, not to me. I ain't putting you on a deadline and I ain't keeping score. Not gonna let you do anything you're not comfortable with. Just want you to touch me. Can you use your hand?" Callum nods and pants out a relieved "yeah" as he slips his hand between them, lower, lower.

This he can do. He's done it before....that night....and Ben seemed to enjoy it. The noises he'd made, the flicker of ecstasy on his face when he came, the way his body had trembled. Callum hadn't all imagined that, had he? But the stakes seem higher now. No booze to heighten the senses, the added pressure of how Ben had just made him feel, and the clawing sensation in his chest that tells him how desperately he wants this thing between them now. What if he's shit at all this? Why would Ben wait? 

But Ben has waited hasn't he. He's stood close all summer when Callum tried to push him away. He's given him space when he's needed it, but he's never turned away and now he's here, naked beside him and asking to be touched. He can't deny him. He cant deny himself.

Callum's hand wraps firmly around the base of Ben's cock and tugs gently as Ben let's out a deep moan. He picks up speed, stroking, twisting as he reaches the top, and soon Ben rolls onto his back to fist at the sheets. His face is flushed, sweat beading at his brow, and Callum can only grin at the obscene noises he's making as he runs his thumb over his slit and presses down. "Am I doing ok?" he chuckles, and Ben throws him an incredulous look. "Okay? You're fucking killing me...Ahh...feels so good Cal, so so good..dont stop...I'm so close!" 

"As long as you're ok, I ain't stopping for anything" Callum chuckles throwing his words back at him, and Ben grins before the pleasure rolls again and he throws his head back. Callum keeps up the rhythm, tugging, twisting and pressing until Ben's body jerks and thrusts upwards and he cries out, coming over his hand.

Ben's body is quivering and his head is spinning, but he pulls Callum down and brings their foreheads together. "You are stunning Callum Highway. Can't believe you're finally mine. Please say you're mine" he whispers, and Callum whispers back.

"I'm yours. Just yours."

They're sweaty and sticky and covered in cum, but they dont care. They slot together effortlessly, two halves of the same whole. The missing piece. 

They both feel it. 

The start of something unstoppable. 

The start of them.


End file.
